We come face to face with disappointment early on in life and regularly over the course of our lives. Very often the way we deal with disappointments affects the decisions we make which directly affect the course of our lives. Our reactions may vary from sulking and withdrawal to disobedience and rebellion, to irrationality and erratic behaviour, and even to violence.
During a sermon I listened to many years ago, the preacher said that in our lives we get to make a handful of key decisions, and that we spend the rest of our lives managing those decisions. This has certainly been true in my life.
The number one mechanism to effectively manage disappointment? One word: FORGIVE. Do not be easily offended. Don’t hold on to grudges. Don’t let an offence fester until it becomes toxic. Be quick to pardon, to overlook, to try to understand where it is coming from. Forgive yourself too without allowing it to become recklessness. There is a saying that ‘hurt people hurt people’. Everyone is carrying a burden, and it is up to us to exercise self-control to not allow a disappointment which is temporary to obscure the vision and the future. A wise friend once said that we should not make permanent decisions as a remedy for temporary problems. Holding on to offence is guaranteed to warp rational thinking and create opportunity for poor decisions.
Let me say right here that the cornerstone of disappointment is unmet expectation. Whether it be someone’s reaction or lack thereof, or betrayal from someone you trust, or your team member who drops the ball, or the team you support playing badly and losing, there are endless opportunities for disappointment. And of course, whether your expectation was realistic. When it comes to putting our faith in people, in systems or even machinery, they are sure to let us down and disappoint somewhere along the line. This is a certainty. This is why we need to remain mentally and emotionally flexible and agile. When we have an open mind, and we are willing to be disappointed; when we are willing to press on towards the goal or vision, then there will come a reward.
Are you willing to take the risk of disappointment?
Do you limit your growth because you lower your expectations of success for your dreams?
Have you abandoned on your dreams altogether? I encourage you to rethink your vision and write it down. Personal and business visions should be subject to change as conditions and circumstances change. Remember that potential has no limit and that we never actually ‘arrive’. There is a scripture in the Old Testament which goes like this:
“Write the vision and make it plain on tablets,
That he may run who reads it,
For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
But in the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it,
Because it will surely come,
It will not tarry”.
This is as true today as it was when it was written around 600 BC by the prophet Habakkuk.
Holding on to our vision is one of the keys to manage disappointment. Vision keeps us focused on the goal. Vision treats difficulties, tribulations, failures and disappointments as speed bumps on the road. The way forward is never smooth, and we should expect times and even seasons when things don’t go according to plan. Disappointments are temporary and should be treated as learning experiences. John Maxwell has a famous book titled ‘Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Learn’. Life is full of learning opportunities; we just need to recognise them. Vision helps us see through the problem and gives us the courage to fight on. However, if you reach your goal quickly, the chances are that it was not big enough, unless it was a target on the way to a bigger goal, which itself is part of the big vision.
The other thing about striving towards a vision is that it makes personal growth a part of the process.
Here is a personal true story which emphasises the need for continual personal growth. I am not proud of it, but it stirred much reflection and introspection over many of the following years.
When I was in my mid-twenties, I started a business selling industrial hoses. Very soon after I started, I began getting orders which would otherwise have gone somewhere else. One of the competing distributors was Chick Henderson (Pty) Ltd, owned and run by Chick Henderson himself. Chick was an established businessman, Oxford educated, former Scotland and Transvaal rugby flyhalf, well-known rugby commentator, and whose grandfather had been in Jan Smuts’ cabinet. He was also 32 years older than me. To cut a long story short, Chick did not want energetic competition and lured me into selling him a minority share of my business, which had no commercial value at the time, except a possible future value, with an understanding that we would become ‘friendly competitors’. This meant that we would leave each other’s customers alone. We were partners for seven years and our respective businesses enjoyed massive growth to the point of becoming the two biggest hose distributors in the country.
At that point there were several options to take the businesses to the next level, but any one of these options would require personal growth from me, and this would involve changing some of my lifestyle behaviour. Here is where the Law of Trade-Offs (The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth by John Maxwell) comes into play. “You have to give up to grow up”. I did not understand that at the time, was unwilling to make the necessary changes, went on the sell the business well before it was mature enough, and lived to regret the decision for many years. It was a poor decision brought about by a lack of vision, and it was followed by many financial and investment disappointments. I thought that success would automatically follow success. Foolish thinking.
I am encouraged that despite having made many poor decisions which led to disappointing results, after some reflection and introspection, I have been able to learn lessons from them and am now able to use them for the benefit of others. I am making it my responsibility and my purpose for my remaining years. “Age is not a barrier if you find passion in what you do. The secret is to keep curiosity alive”.
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